Regrets
by arualms
Summary: Companion piece to Pretending. One shot


Disclaimer: If I owned them, Johnny would not exist and the Cohens+1 would still be interacting as a family.

AN: This is sort of a counter-piece to dealing. raised the question why Ryan had left Theresa and come to Newport in the first place. I thought about it and ended up writing this. I am not sure if it really fits, but decided to post it anyway.

AN2: Sorry about all the lines, formatting does not allow double-breaks

**Regrets**

There are a lot of things Theresa regrets.

* * *

She regrets asking Ryan to come back to Chino with her. They had both known that the baby was unlikely to be his, had both known that just because she was pregnant, they couldn't simply decide to be parents. It had been easy to see how much leaving the Cohens would hurt him.

The excuses she made for herself don't really ring true. Yes, she had been scared and confused and unsure of what to do next. It didn't justify making him feel just as lost. The thought of staying in Newport with him had been unbearable, the idea of depending on the Cohens´ charity to support herself and her child not even fathomable for her, who had always been proud of her independence. But they were Ryan's family now and he needed them just as much as she needed her mum. She hadn't forced him to come with her, put she hadn't really given him a choice, either. They had both known he would come the minute she asked him to. Some things never changed, and Ryan's need to take care of those he loved was definitely one of them.

She had no real excuse, and she regrets doing what she did while knowing it was wrong.

* * *

She regrets coming to Newport again after Eddie had hit her. There were other places to go to, other options to consider, but the part of her that was still a twelve year old girl had told her that when she need someone, she went to Ryan. He was her security net, just like she used to be his. And he had caught her, just like she knew he would.

But in doing so, he had gotten caught up in her problems, had almost gotten lost in his need to protect her from Eddie, his need to keep her from turning into his mother. Ever since they became friends, Theresa had understood that Ryan's family was different from hers, that her friend needed others to give him the support and love that her mother had always given her. She had understood and had decided to be the one to offer him what Dawn and Trey failed to give. Making him a part of her family had been surprisingly easy. The fact that he was Trey's baby-brother had led Turo to treat him like his own, and although he got into almost as much trouble as Trey and Ryan got to deal with the consequences often enough, she could see the way Ryan seemed to soak up her brothers attention. The fact that someone liked him without any family-obligation seemed to mystify him. She saw the same wonder in his eyes when her mother had asked her to introduce him and she had answered by telling her that Ryan was her best friend. When her mother had put a plate on the table for him at Christmas, he had actually smiled. Back then, she had known that her plan to offer him some sense of family had been a success.

But then she had allowed herself to become like Dawn, allowed herself to become the victim she swore to never be. She had never understood why the woman allowed her boyfriends to treat her the way they did. She had spent to many nights watching Ryan cry quietly in his sleep, when he had no control over his carefully built walls of defence, to be able to excuse the fact that the woman put a violent man above her own flesh and blood. She tried to convince herself that she would never have allowed that to happen, but the fact that only Ryan was able to give her the strength she needed to leave Eddie remained.

Once, she had been the one that he allowed to take care of him, to put bags of frozen peas on his bruises and forge excuses for school. Now, she was another person he needed to take care of. She had never meant to add to his load of issues and she regrets that she ended up doing it anyway.

* * *

She regrets running away in the first place, to Newport, to Ryan, when her life had seemed too complicated to handle. Getting involved with Eddie had been her own choice; Ryan should never have gotten involved in her insecurities. She had known that he would be there for her, that he would give her the comfort and sense of security that she so desperately craved. Even after everything that had happened, they still knew each other inside out; probably better than anyone else ever would. They could still read each other, see what the other one needed without having to put it into words. The fact that he had needed reassurance, security and comfort just as much as she did had made it easier. But it was still wrong and she regrets it.

* * *

She regrets blaming Ryan for leaving Chino when he came to her house on Thanksgiving.

She had seen enough of his injuries to know what kind of man AJ was. She had heard enough of Dawn's drunken yelling and screaming to know that the woman would never choose her son over her boyfriend. She was the one who used to ask him to spend the night, not only because she wanted to make out, but because she knew what was waiting for him if he came back. She really couldn't blame him for deciding that he could not live with the people that were supposed to be his family anymore.

As it turned out, it had not even been his decision. After everything she had been privy to over the years, she should have expected that. Dawn was so much more likely to leave someone than Ryan. His loyalty towards his family and everyone he considered a part of it was one of the things she loved about him. When he had explained, after a lot of probing and prodding by her and her mother, why he no longer lived next door, she had been fighting back tears that came unbidden at the thought of how much he had been hurt.

And after everything that had happened, she couldn't blame him for not calling her either. But her pain and her anger at herself had caused her to do it anyway, and she regrets it.

* * *

She regrets breaking the rules. Several years ago, when they had first added sex to their relationship, she had insisted that they should lay down some ground rules.

Couples who got together at their age never lasted, they broke up and then fell apart. Since they did not ever want to loose each other, the first rule was that they were not a couple. He was not her boyfriend; she was not his girlfriend. At fourteen, it had really seemed that simple.

The second rule was that they were allowed to be with others. Since they were not a couple, neither one was allowed to get jealous. She had insisted on this rule because, even though she doubted that she would find someone better than her best friend, she did not want to miss out on the boyfriend-experience completely.

The third rule was that to avoid possible jealousy, they did not talk about the other with each other. She knew that Ryan did not like to hear her talking about other boys; after all she had become an expert at interpreting his silent communication. She certainly did not want to hear about him with another girl. If possible, she did not even want to think about it.

They did not tell the others about what they shared, either. Because while being with each other was natural to them, they knew that hardly anyone else would see it that way.

Those had been the rules. But she had broken them. Against her will, she had fallen in love with her best friend. And with love had come jealousy. Seeing him with others had started to hurt, and a part of her had wanted to hurt him back. She knew he did not love the girls he picked up at the countless parties, but he allowed them to share a part of his live that had previously been reserved for her. The fact that she had been the one to establish the rules did not keep it from hurting. That hurt part of her had taken control of her after one drink to many and she had tearfully told her brother's friend that Ryan was practically cheating on her. Eddie had already wanted her back then.

When she had seen Ryan's bruised face the next day, she had had to fight against the need to vomit. Being disgusted with herself had not been something she was used to. He had not looked her in the eyes. She had broken the rules and they had both known that things would never go back to the way they used to be. Two days later, Ryan had been gone and she could not even try to explain to him why she did what she did. The fact that there was no excuse made her regret it even more.

* * *

There are a lot of things Theresa regrets. Lying to Ryan to send him back home to the family that loves him is not one of them. 


End file.
